Fruit, the Intimate Relationship Itself

I do not work a lot nowadays, leave work at 6PM. At the company, I just keep reading various books as a pretext for finding new ideas. Twice a week, I talk with Hanssem Founder and Chairman Chang Gul Cho quite comfortably. Sometimes I am confused if I enroll on some graduate courses or not. At some point, even I started feeling sorry to other colleagues as I have a decent salary without hard work, but also I am in peace, honestly, I enjoy this unexpected serene moment.

I do not know what Mr. Cho exactly hopes to get with my work, but I guess he does not seem to expect a great outcome from my research in the forseeable future. This is very strange. I am not his daughter (he already has three daughters) but he just seems to enjoy talking with me, and does not expect anything. Why?

Recently I hired a junior staff with a doctoral degree. Due to the aspect of our work, a continuous interchange of ideas has been needed. In spite of our hard work, we do not seem to take our course well, thus far, it has been fine with me. A few days ago, I realized I enjoyed the intellectual communication itself, soon after, I also got to understand Mr. Cho’s mind. A wonderful outcome is great! But even if there is no fruit, it is fine, if we walked together to achieve a same goal. The process, in other words, the intimate relationship itself is meaningful and it could be a kind of fruit.

As usual, I think of God. When I meet obstacles, sometimes I run to God, but often I stay alone in a dusty cave as I do not want to talk with Him. I am a silly billy. My sinful ego rejects God strongly, tries to accomplish some difficult tasks by myself, and want to boast of my own ability even if there is nothing to say 'my own.' I often delude myself that God will be proud of me, who did a lot of good deeds. Does He really need something done well by me? Maybe.. maybe not. I think that He loves traveling holding my hand. If I can make something great in the intimate relationship with Him, it could be true His pride and joy. Without Him, however, nothing is great, nothing.

Vanishment

This Monday morning when I went to my company, I bumped into the Chairman looking around our institution at a corridor. As I had a meeting appointment with him at 7:30AM, I put my bag at my place in haste, and went up to his office with several documents. However, I felt something strange. I saw him looking out the window although the meeting time passed. During the meeting with him, his face and voice showed solemn determination.

I wondered what was wrong with him or his daughter. One of his daughters working at this institution recently married, but last Thursday, suddenly she was absent from the office and has been absent since that time. Then this Monday she just gave a colleague a brief notice of a long-term absence. Last Thursday, I recalled that actually the Chairman came to his office early in the morning, but went out of the office right away after he got a message. Like as his daughter, I could not see him until this Monday.

Today I found something at his office while discussing with him, it was a picture of his only one son. It seemed to be the portrait of the deceased.. I was horrified to think the unidentified fact. I saw his son a month ago at his youngest sister's marriage, but what happened to him? And I got to know that my guess was not wrong according to a reliable source. Obviously all the family's lips are all strictly sealed, even his secretary has not said to people anything, the only one son seemed to commit suicide.

It's a very gloomy and long day. After I learned about the sad news, I began to feel sick, could not work, and started wondering how the Chairman could work as usual. He must be a very strong person, that fact makes me sad and sick. It would really break his heart to see his son's death this way. I prayed for him and his family. And again I got serious. What is life? what is the meaning of life? Men vanish without trace after all. Today I crave eternity, the truth, God.

The Process of Healing

I am a kind of careful person. What is more, I am a quite idealist. I guess the characters are main reasons, which have led me to now, as a single. When I was a college student, I used to pray for meeting my soul mate though I had no boy friends. Ideally I hoped to meet my first boy friend, who would be my husband. I didn’t really want to meet someone just for fun. Sadly enough, it seems impossible to meet the right person before knowing who I am exactly as we can usually observe ourselves closely in a relationship. We all are imperfect so there is not much possibility of people meeting the right person at first. It means there is no way to escape from the sorrow of separations.

Right after graduating from my college, I happened to meet someone through a North Korea prayer meeting. I had respected him, of course, it means that I liked him. Later, it was so amazing that I learned that he also liked me. However, he was a more serious person than I was. To make matters worse, he had listened to some prophecies about his wife and his life through several elders of church. For the reason, he did not or could not take a positive attitude in our relationship although he said to like me. That made me really uneasy and painful for a long time. After years later, we decided to give up the strange relationship. The last day we met, he said to me that he would want to meet someone filled with Christ’s beauty. I just zoned out for a moment. And I kept asking God "Why I had to know him after all we did not marry? What is Christ’s beauty?" Everything he said to me stabbed me like a sharp dagger. For many many years, indeed, I prayed that God would let me know about Christ’s beauty and make me resemble the beauty because I thought.. I was abandoned due to the lack of the beauty.

God started healing me when I was in Myanmar. I felt strongly that He helped me see myself with low self-respect, He really wanted to heal my soul's deep problems through the painful relationship that led me to desire for the intimate relationship with God. How amazing He is! Beyond having an inkling of the meaning of the Christ's beauty, suddenly I seemed to be changed as a beauty. It sounds crazy but it was true. I did not say anything to others about this my deep agony, however, when I came back to Korea, many people said to me, “You are so beautiful.” Usually people say to a girl, “You are pretty.” But people say that I am a beautiful woman. I wept at heart whenever I heard the word - "beauty." Only I knew the reason why I had to keep listening to the word from so random people. God knew my struggle for years. He has consoled and encouraged me with the word until now. Truly His another name is Raphael, God of healers.

Everyone has his or her own darkness. I might be unable to drive away the darkness by myself because the roots of the troubles may go deeper than my imaginations. So what can I do? I realized that I cannot do anything for myself. God does reconcile me with myself, others, the world, and Him. After then, I might be able to help others, especially for my spouse to be healed. God wants to set me free from every wounds, fears, oppressions, and other’s judgments. As far as I know, God wants to bless me through my marriage. I am dying of curiosity. Who will be only one, my lovely hubby? How God will work to our couple in our life journey? Anyway we will see.

At one of my favorite cafes in the world, Crema Cafe, Cambridge, Massachusetts

Take Time

Take time to THINK

It is the source of power

Take time to PLAY

It is the secret of perpetual youth

Take time to READ

It is the fountain of wisdom

Take time to PRAY

It is the greatest power on earth

Take time to LOVE and BE LOVED

It is a God-given privilege

Take time to BE FRIENDLY

It is the road to happiness

Take time to LAUGH

It is the music of the soul

Take time to GIVE

It is too short a day to be selfish

Take time to WORK

It is the price of success

Take time to DO CHARITY

It is the key to heaven.

The Time Will Come

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - H.D. Thoreau -

The Sacrifice of Life ?

I thankfully got to know this paragraph from my friend, Sung Lee. Whenever I feel tired to do something or should do tedious study, I will see this paragraph again and charge my energy with positive hope.

He was to some extent a youth of our last epoch - that is, honest in nature, desiring the truth, seeking for it and believing in it, and seeking to serve it at once with all the strength of his soul, seeking for immediate action, and ready to sacrifice everything, life itself, for it. Though these young men unhappily fail to understand that the sacrifice of life is, in many cases, the easiest of all sacrifices, and that to sacrifice, for instance, five or six years of their seething youth to hard and tedious study, if only to multiply tenfold their powers of serving the truth and the cause they have set before them as their goal-- such a sacrifice is utterly beyond the strength of many of them. - The Karamazov Brothers' by Dostoevsky -

The Shawshank Redemption

After all my classes, I thought, 'I well deserve to watch a movie tonight.' Finally I made it! In a few days, I want to watch this movie again. In a gray place, usually one dares to dream. Andy Dufresne, however, he dreamed and realized his long cherished dream. Especially in prison, where integrity is lacking, Andy is an individual of integrity among a host of criminals. He has a sense of who he is regardless of what people judge or treat. That's why many people are excited by this movie. "They cannot get that from you.. that's yours.. that's HOPE."

It Is Truly the Gospel.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things and the things that are not to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1Corinthians 1:25-31

Heavenly Man

Last Saturday one of church friends mentioned him suddenly. Since then I have thought about his dramatic life. I read this book two years ago. At that time, I was completely lost in his story. Although I am a very slow-reader, I read the book from beginning to end in a few hours and cried a lot.

Now I am preparing a mission trip to China and thinking of him. Such a modern society, God still works with people who follows Him like Paul. How can we keep up the passion of the Gospel? How cannot we forget the great joy of the Gospel? 

I guess these days, I seem to have a stony heart. I pray that God shall put a new spirit within me, take this stony heart out of my flesh and give me a tender one touched by Holy Spirit.

Meaning of Prosperity to Christian

He promises prosperity to the people meditating His word. What is the meaning of prosperity to Christian? It is neither a success nor a fortune as people thinks it generally, Isaiah 53:10 answers it by describing Jesus, who was pierced through for our transgressions and was crushed for our iniquities.. "He will prolong His days, and the good pleasure of the Lord will prosper in His hand." Prosperity in Bible means that if we hear, obey and serve Him, according to the eternal purpose which he purposed, His will be done in our life. Nothing but He promises He shall supply all our needs if we wish His will than our will. Yes, it follows sacrifices but He said in Psalms 35:27, "The Lord be magnified, Who delights in the prosperity of His servant." It must be delightful work!

Today I found my Bible which I lost two weeks ago. I almost gave up searching it at church. Anyway I have to meditate His word again with pleasure since I promised Him if He will give the Bible back to me, I'd do that. It is the start of meditation in February.

Attitude on Life

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company.. a church.. a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you.. we are in charge of our attitude.”

Charles Swindoll

Why Do You Study? 공부해서 남주자.

"공부해서 남 주니?" If children neglect their study, parents often say like this in Korea. It sounds somewhat strange if we think this over and over. If someone studies for only oneself, he or she is really selfish and greedy. Why am I studying now? In the beginning of this semester, I bethought myself that my study must be contributed to society. Then how can we judge what is better or worse? What ethics do we have to have? Again I believe that people who are on the pursuit of learning should read and know God's word more than others.

L'aventure De La Vie

I came back to Ithaca. I just started to live here from the last August but already I feel comfortable in Ithaca like my hometown. I remember the last days of Korea. I think relatively I've been able to adapt myself to my surroundings although I was worried about new life in a new place where I had never been. Some day I might worry about another new professional life after leaving this school. But I know I have to move forward even though I don't want adventure since if I do not move anywhere, it implies that I'm not alive any more. Separating from familiar things, people, and ways means that I must surrender totally to Jesus who is the way, the truth, and the life as I don't know where I should go. Actually it is not bad when I used to following Him as I can have an exciting hope in every steps. "L'aventure de la vie!"

During Winter Class in Washington DC

When I visit foreign cities, there are a few things to do such as going to the museums and galleries or seeing historical architectures. If I had hated doing those things, I might have been boring in the unfamiliar places. Fortunately, I like art! After the Sunday service, I went to the National Mall, and spent time to take a stroll around the Smithsonian Museums. I had a headache a little bit since I was concerned about some issues, however, I could cool off there. I think I've learned a life. He is teaching me to discriminate between what I can change and what I cannot change. I guess I am getting quite used to accepting what I cannot do. Well, art makes me somewhat gentle although trials make me strong.

The Serenity Prayer

Written by Reinhold Niebuhr

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen

Volunteering Work at A Homeless Shelter in Washington DC

I thought I could help and serve homeless people in Washington DC, however, it was my wrong guess. Ironically, I've been served and beloved too much here in DC. I'm also a kind of homeless in the States. I think I'm not that different from the people. Only one different thing is I have a chance to give them some stuffs, which are also supported by some others. I could neither heal their sickness nor change their hard situations. Jesus came to the earth for the lowly, the poor and the oppressed, only he has been able to do something for them. I found there were few things I could help except talking with them for a moment. Something in my heart of hearts was shouting. "We have to help them, there will be practical ways." How? I have no idea at this time but I think I need to find the ways in my position. I prayed to God for keeping me live as a sincere servant of God. I don't want to waste my resource before I leave for heaven. Everlasting truth! It was a blessing to meet God's servants - Changhoon, Jihae, Junko, Kisung, Susan and Yojin through this volunteering work. Where a good purpose is, there are always good people. Next time I hope to join this ministry again with my Aquila :)

Wisdom from Heaven

It is both Christmas Eve and Sunday. However, I could not go to church as all my cousins are not Christian. I just listened to pastor Oh's message on 사랑의교회 homepage. I am leaving the sermon in this blog since I want to remember some points and pray for wisdom from heaven, which is definitely compared with earthly wisdom.

Here is a familiar story of Solomon to us. During the night in a dream, God said to Solomon, "Ask for whatever you want me to give you." He answered, "Give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours" The Lord was pleased that he had asked for this. God gave him riches, honor and a long life, except wisdom and discerning heart what he asked.

Meanwhile, how can we distinguish two kinds of wisdom? Pastor Oh said that's why we need time to reflect and penetrate. Also there are 7 obvious charaters of wisdom from heaven in the book of James. This is pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy, impartial and sincere. On the other hand, earthly, unspiritual and of the evil wisdom is selfish and envious. So where one has this wisdom, you can always find disorder and every evil practice.

If God says, "Ask for whatever you want me, I shall give you." What do you want to ask Him? You don't need to ask Him many things. Probably most of things are meaningless. Just ask Him wisdom of heaven! As He promised us in Psalms 32:8,10, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.. the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

Stand on Mount Gerizim!

Today is my parents' wedding anniversary. Since December 9th, 1971, our family has succeeded. In the beginning of their marriage, both father and mother didn't know God. My mother became the first Christian in our family and then she brought up my two sisters and me to be a Christian. I often observe others' family history. Though fundamental notions of success in Christ are different from those in secular world, it's clear to me between the family with God and without God. Of course, my household and I will serve my God with all faithfulness as no man will be able to stand against Him. It's a really simple life what He showed us. Strangely enough, people seem to be familiar with intricate ways of life. I'm sure it's definitely a Satan's deception.

Deuteronomy 11:26-29 

"See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse-the blessing if you obey the commands of the Lord your God that I am giving you today; the curse if you disobey the commands of the Lord your God and turn from the way that I command you today by following other gods, which you have not known. When the Lord your God has brought you into the land you are entering to possess, you are to proclaim on Mount Gerizim the blessings, and on Mount Ebal the curses."

Thanksgiving on the Hill

November 19th Sunday 5-8pm
at Memorial Hall, Williard Straight Hall

Our church had planned an event of 'Thanksgiving Invitation Night' for non-Christians in Ithaca. Since August, some of church members had been praying and planning for this event as part of the missionary work. The event was held on Sunday 9th November and we could share Christians' joy and love with non-Christians. I am sure almost every people could feel God was with us at that time. I cannot explain, however, obviously it was a blessed time!

Personally, I am thankful for the chance to play the piano there. With a violinist, Andrew, I played 'Intermezzo from Symphonie Espagnole Op.21.' by Edouard Lalo and 'My peace I give unto you'. I had enjoyed practicing playing the piano and had fun at the event although I made many mistakes. Actually it wasn't important since the event was for Him.

When I came back home, I also thought He never throw away anything, which He permitted me to do in past. At one time, almost 20 years ago, I (maybe my mother and piano teacher wished) seriously thought of being a pianist but did against it. I used to think it was a waste of time to play the piano hard for 7 years. I have a good chance to look at all things: time, pleasant or bitter experiences, talents and relationships which God has permitted will be made something good finally according to God's purpose.

Here is Heaven!

A beautiful rainbow in Cornell around 5pm. 16th November 2006

It suddenly rained cats and dogs in the afternoon. As I didn't have an umbrella, I borrowed it and went to the section class of microeconomics. After the class, I came across this marvelous rainbow in Arts Quad. Not only I but also many students were standing and wondering at the beauty for a moment. I've never seen such a beautiful rainbow in my life! God is a true artist in the world.

Psalms 8 flashed into my mind. "O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens.. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" 

放下着

A Red Leaf, Arts Quad in Cornell University October 2006

버려야 할 것이
무엇인지를 아는 순간부터
나무는 가장 아름답게 불탄다

제 삶의 이유였던 것
제 몸의 전부였던 것
아낌없이 버리기로 결심하면서
나무는 생의 절정에 선다

방하착(放下着)
제가 키워 온
그러나 이제는 무거워진
제 몸 하나씩 내려놓으면서
가장 황홀한 빛깔로
우리도 물이 드는 날

‘단풍 드는 날’ 도종환