Dreams, Ashes of Time

Yesterday it was a very stressful day. After work, I went to a bustling district, Myeongdong, kept walking, and then watched a movie at 09:40PM. My choice was “Chungking Express (重慶森林),” the 1994 film written and directed by Wong Kar-Wai (王家衛). It is about two love-struck cops in Hong Kong before its return to China. I started to go to movie alone when I get stressed. It has been one of my new hobbies. I realized that recently I have watched so many movies than before.. sigh.

I saw the movie when I was a college student with friends almost 15 years ago. I wanted to see it again. Upcoming business trip to Hong Kong is one of reasons that I made the impulsive decision, however, unexpectedly the film made me look back on my 20’s and look at myself in my 30’s, rather than look forward to the business trip there.

In my early 20’s, I could not perceive changes in other people’s subtle emotions because I was not that considerate of people's feelings. That is, I did not know anything about people, and life. Yesterday I could see the subtle changes of characters’ emotions in this colorful movie. Now I seemed to start to see that the relationship between a man and a woman, let’s say ‘love, the most exquisite art!' Alas, I have been that dull by now.

Any organic product has the expiration date, even relationships between people do have. Can the life of relationships be prolonged by 100, or 1,000, or 10,000 years? There is someone who likes apple, but he can became a person who dislikes apple. Who can blame him for that? Then, what means that we long for? Can we trust in us, our desires? Probably truth seems that people are repeatedly do loving and hating, hurting and being wounded, forgetting and recalling, mistaking and regretting, ignoring and respecting, and finishing and restarting.

On the one hand, I was reminded of my younger days, and one of my close friends, Haewon who watched the movie with me. She passed away on bone tumors in her beautiful late 20’s. Suddenly I felt downhearted. The friend resembled Faye Wong, a leading actress in Chungking Express, her character as well as her body shape. I recalled the dead friend’s boyfriend. And I was wondering whether he knows that she, that he once loved, does not exist on earth.

Life is full of unexpected happenings and accidents. I see that a few things I dreamed and planned in my 20’s came true. It seemed terrible, but it would not be tragedies, but blessings. It could be one of reasons for me to give thanks to God. He has changed my foolish desires and plans and keep showing something noble and unimaginable beyond my intelligence and experiences.

This month, I will go on a business trip to Hong Kong. 4 years has elapsed since I visited the city for the first time. What would I feel and see this time? A dreamy song in the movie and the glimmering of Hong Kong are haunting me. I like Wong Kar-Wai's movies, just reserved his another movie, “Ashes of Time (東邪西毒)” ticket online. Today can be my last day to live or love, who knows? The unknown, the mysterious tension in life is not that bad at all. I am trying not to postpone something important and something I like to do. It would be one of sojourners’ must-have mental attitudes. Enjoy this moment, and give thanks!

L'Art de La Simplicite

One more household item has been added to my property list. Yesterday a Cuckoo pressure rice cooker was delivered. It costs 214,200 Korean won, except a MacBook Air, an iPad, and a Leica camera, it is the most expensive good at my house. Believe it or not, although I enjoy cooking and eating very much, I had lived without a rice cooker since I returned to Korea! The small cooker I used in the States is the 110 volt system, so I could not use here. For nearly three years, I was debating whether I should buy a new one or not.

Recently I was hospitalized so sudden, finally I concluded with buying a new rice cooker for my physical health. Yesterday evening, I cooked rice with mixed grains at the expensive cooker like as if I carried out a kind of an important ritual. Gladly it worked well. I was satisfied with the tasty rice.

I long to live freely, so I have a kind of an obsession that I should live in a simple way, not have too many goods. In 2010, my oldest sister and her daughter gave their assets to poor me, who just came back with nothing from the States. My current single bed is what my first niece used, and my white fabric couch is what my brother-in-law used before his marriage. I only purchased a desk from my company, Hanssem, and lighting and chairs from Hanssem's competitor, IKEA. 

A few days ago, when I found a book entitled 'L'Art de La Simplicite' written by Dominique Loreau, and was very impressed by her insights. She nicely mentions what I have thought but I cannot explain well. It is about the life of simplicity, that is the concept of possession: clothes, space, etc. 

It is not easy for me not to buy a lot of household items since I am a kind of an aesthetic person! In the industrial societies, I feel like people are always forced to buy and possess things, but if people fill their lives with unnecessary stuff, they might sink because of the weight of the garbage. Well, our only one earth is already confronting the challenge. Also I keep thinking that I would happen to live in a few other places in my entire life. So I have wanted to be ready to leave for anywhere at any time.

A difficult assignment remains. I am a well-known professional amateur librarian. I do like purchasing books. Here is a problem. Since Amazon started to provide e-book service, I have been glad to have books easily in Korea though, I started to debate whether I should have paper books or digital books. When I think about moving without a strong spouse, digital books would be the best choice for me. I can appreciate the convenience of carrying a lot of digital books, however, I like rather turning over the leaves of a book than touching the screen of iPad or Kindle. I feel like I am an oldie. I might need to adopt a new method in digital information societies that helps people to possess less and share more.

Blooming vs. Fading

What a surprise! For the first time, I got an email from my first niece, Hyewon. It was good news from her. Before Christmas, I visited her family in Jupiter, Florida in the States. We had some nice times (mostly chatting) usually on her bed but we also did her social project, which was about introducing Pennsylvania State to her classmates next year. Of course, I gave her some insights. Her message was to let me know how the presentation, which was our collaboration, went well in her class. This week she got a mysterious score on it. 104/100! Additional 4 point is a bonus, she said. She wanted to boast of her good performance, so emailed me. The simple message made me so happy. Maybe it is because I don't have my children yet? My niece, Hyewon is blooming although I am going in the opposite direction, fading, that is aging. Well, looking forward to building a nice friendship with the smart lady and having my children some days. Wish her and me good luck!

No Finish Line? No.

"There is no finish line."
It's the Nike's first advertisement poster in 1977. I am happy with that there is the end of my course, otherwise I will grow weary and lose heart. By the way, this bucolic scene reminds me of a corner of Ithaca. 

What Do You Follow?

Now I stay with my sister's in London. I started going to a church in Oxford Circus in London, so have to take Brown Bakerloo line at Waterloo station. However, at one Sunday, the Bakerloo line service as well as Jubilee line all were suspended. It takes usually 30-40 minutes to travel between Oxford Circus and my sister's, however, at the day, it took almost 2 hours for me to get home. 

But I did not grumble, just saw the tube map carefully, and found an alternative way. As I knew that I could not change anything but needed to find another way to get the end of journey, the church or home. It took some more time I had not expected, anyways, I could get the destination. Actually during the journey, I could stop by Victoria and Albert Museum and have a good time there, which I had not planned before I left home.

I thought of my life at the day. I said to follow Jesus, but I often make various complaints to Him when something happens unexpectedly. I still want to control all the ways to reach the destination. However, during the journey, He seems to want me to see other issues I have not thought about. His interests seem to be not only in my getting the destination but also in my being changed into his fullness and holiness. But I guess His concept of time is totally different from mine. That is always the very problem. How impatient human beings are.. 

A Do-Nothing in London

Back in 2006, I was in the UK before I went to the States. I am again in the UK before going back to my hometown. I am thinking how much I have grown up and how much I can live differently in Korea. I can't imagine what is waiting for me, I am very afraid of going back to the country. All of sudden, Korea is regarded as a unfamiliar country to me. I know God has a plan for me rationally, but every step is uneasy. I am eating, reading, and sleeping here at my sister's and doing nothing. I am just so sick.

Love Is A Vivid Verb

What I love is a lifelong companionship. Thanks for these people that I could meet in Boston.

Five Smooth Stones

Last week I got an interesting e-mail from an organization which I have applied to a long time ago, so even I read the e-mail I had no idea. I checked all my documents in "the" job application folder. The e-mail was to ask me to send them additional information about my work experience. They said I was already selected in a certain applicants pool and they were in the proceeding of choosing final interviewees.

I have waited for their reply and today I got an email from the organization. Unfortunately I was not selected as the two final interviewees, however, the HR person let me know thankfully there may be a position which would be well suited for my background and experiences in near future. In fact, it's frustrating experience.

Recently I started to think why I had to change my career path significantly since 2006. Here in the States, I am just a temporary worker. Was it a wrong step to study abroad in my late 20's or was it a just my self-interest or did God give me a chance? I have had a passion to do right things and work for the needy, especially related to North Korea. But should I do help people while making money regardless of what I work for daily? I am confused which life is the best, but I do not want to live a divided life between what I value and what I do daily.

It is true that in the States I feel like I am a mere youngster, like David standing in front of Goliath sneering the boy down. Yes, I am still struggling with English and it makes me shrink sometimes, however in some ways, I am very excited how God would work with me. I am thinking what my "five stones" are and when is the time to sling the stones. If I am standing on the right side, of course, His side, there will be only victories even if the results seem failed. Because every battle belongs to God. Above all, He already won everything including death.

Library Keeper

Blizzard has hit Boston since yesterday. It never stops. It was so hard for me to walk forward without a pair of skies, but I went out of home in the morning and am sitting in the Harvard Yenching Library while looking at snows. Suddenly I realized that I like being in a library so much when I have some free times. By chance, I happen to live in a house near Harvard University in Cambridge, so often hang around the campus without intentions. I recalled when I was in Korea. I used to go to Ewha campus after I graduated from the school. How funny I am. I was never a smart student at schools I attended though, I do like sitting or hiding in libraries. Maybe I need to study more for my this eccentric habit! ☺

House is on Fire!

I cannot explain how I have had dynamic times in Cambridge after I got here. A month is like a year.

Yesterday night, I had dinner outside with friends and was going to home. On my way, I could see many police cars, fire engines, and ambulances passing with their siren screaming. I looked at them unconcernedly. At the moment, Emmy, who is my host lady in Cambridge, called me and said that a fire broke out at the 4th floor of her condominium! That means my place! When I got home, so many people crowded on the street and watched the fire scene. Indeed there was black smoke on the top floor of the building. Emmy guessed that nobody could enter the building even her place is the first floor, so she just went to her friend's place with her dog, Cody, and I went to my friend, Grace's - her little dormitory room at Harvard.

.

Today in the morning, I went to the place again as I needed to pick up some of my stuffs. Fortunately I heard that only one old lady burnt in her arm and no one got hurt from the fire. I could see the building was fine except the 4th floor. Unfortunately, however, I seem to have caught a second bad cold as I could not keep myself warm and sleep comfortably. What is worse that nobody, who resides at the building, can sleep at their places during this entire week because of fire regulation. I came to be a kind of homeless by the unexpected accident.. sighs. I really got to understand why some people became the homeless.

At the night, I had a bad dream even though I do not dream often. In Ithaca, the backyard of my dormitory is a golf course. In my dream, I only saw that the golf course was on fire and was frightened at the scene, however, I could not dial 911 and woke up with fright. Oh, such a dynamic life! What will be next?!

New Identity

I came to like this nomadic life although I am tired from bringing stuffs back and forth and making new friends while moving back and forth. During this transition, I am learning good things: how to pack up bags; how to settle down at a strange place quickly; how to make friends, and keep company with them. Over and over I am shifting. I know I am a quite introvert one, however, my character has gradually changed as I am in needs of others, I have to keep asking others for their helps. At once, my identity also has been changed. Here in the States, I feel aliened with someone with common sense of humor, similar moral standard, same religion, and similar education background and interests. I do not feel like close because he or she is just a Korean. I think how funny it is that Koreans often try to divide people between Kyungsangdo and Chunlado or between Gang-nam and Gang-book by Han river in Seoul. In such a small country, we split ourselves into many many groups. I started to look at people, my country, and the world in a kind of different way. I have been on an adventurous journey beyond changing my career path. There might be a reason God put me in this situation. Thanks!

[Article] The Guilt of Having a Good Thing -- (HJ) The Life I Long For

One way or another, New York City exacts a price for the privilege of living in it. If you aren’t shelling out an exorbitant pile of cash for your home, then you’re probably paying in some other way — by compromising your comfort, safety or values, for example.

Richard Sennett, the sociologist, is no exception. He and his wife, Saskia Sassen, a scholar of globalism, inhabit a picturesque former carriage house on a cobblestone alleyway just off Washington Square Park. Their monthly rent for the two-story, 1,200-square-foot house, which is owned by New York University, is below market rates. But in the 28 years since Mr. Sennett first moved in, there’s always been a hidden cost.

First it was the drug addicts who used his doorway as a crash pad. Now it’s the guilt of living in what he describes as a “gated community.” Indeed, signs posted at either end of the alley forbid pedestrians from entering between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. “That’s a terrible irony for me,” said Mr. Sennett, a professor at N.Y.U. and the London School of Economics, “because I’ve written about the evils of gated communities. But I’m not a sufficiently moral person to abandon this house. And that,” he said with a laugh, “is a moral failing.”

It would be difficult for Mr. Sennett and Ms. Sassen, who is the Helen and Thomas Lynd professor of sociology at Columbia University and a professor at the London School of Economics, to avoid such failings completely. They have published more than 20 books and 100 articles between them, on everything from immigration (her) to architecture (him), and there are countless points of overlap between their work and their lives. For starters, they live in, and write about, cities.

Until this year, when Ms. Sassen gave up a chair at the University of Chicago to return to Columbia, the couple inhabited three “global cities” — a term that happens to have been coined by Ms. Sassen (whose book “The Global City” was published in 1991). They would spend six months in London followed by six months divided between New York and Chicago. “It seems so much more reasonable to be in just two cities,” Ms. Sassen said. “It’s terribly cozy.” Her most recent book, “Territory, Authority, Rights: From Medieval to Global Assemblages,” was published by Princeton University Press last year.

“I am nomadic,” admitted Ms. Sassen, who was born in the Netherlands, grew up in Argentina and Italy and speaks six languages fluently. “I make myself at home wherever I go.” For her, “home” means one thing: “a place where I can work.” “When I go to giant conferences,” she said, “I go to the press room. All I need is coffee, a computer table and people who will just leave you alone. My work is my anchor. It is how I keep the rhythm of my daily life.”

Mr. Sennett, meanwhile, prefers to write at a neat, trim desk tucked into one corner of the house’s grandest space, a double-height living room on the second floor that is illuminated by casement windows and a skylight as wide as the room. “I’ve spent a lot of my life in this room,” Mr. Sennett said. “I’ve written all my books here, and I’ve had the experience for a long time of this light. And the silence, which is so rare.” Mr. Sennett, who grew up in a Chicago housing project and describes himself as a creature of habit, originally found it difficult to divide his time between New York and London. “It’s taken me about 12 years to arrive at the point where I feel skilled at living internationally,” he said. “We were constantly struggling with trivial things like ‘That book is in New York City.’ ”

Now, he said, “we divide up our clothes so that 50 percent are in London and 50 percent in New York.” He also admitted — sheepishly — to owning duplicates of favorite items. “I have a cello here and a cello in London, which may seem over the top. But after 9/11 it became so difficult to travel with my cello.” Mr. Sennett practices every day and plays regularly with informal chamber groups in both cities; he was forced to abandon a career as a classical musician in his 20s, when acute carpal tunnel syndrome led to a botched operation.

Ms. Sassen met Mr. Sennett when she became a fellow at the New York Institute for the Humanities, which he had founded. She was impressed when she heard him give a talk with Michel Foucault and later was invited to dinner at Mr. Sennett’s house, where she had a delightful time talking — in Spanish — to Jorge Luis Borges, another guest. Mr. Sennett, meanwhile, served a magnificent meal. Preparing food, Mr. Sennett said, “is something I love.”

“I do all the cooking,” he added. “All the shopping. All the cleaning. My wife is worse than incompetent. She stares at an egg — she’s a professor at Columbia, and she stares at an egg as if she’s never seen such an object. She loves to eat. But the kitchen is my domain.” Mr. Sennett’s next book, “The Craftsman,” will be published by Yale University Press next year. “It’s a book about the relation between doing things physically, with your hands, and thinking,” he said. “We’re losing that connection between physical and mental skills. Even the most abstract kinds of thinking, like mathematics, draw on something physical.” For Mr. Sennett, doing something physical is a way to find balance.

Four days after touching down at Kennedy Airport earlier this month, he gave a dinner party for 10 people. He served figs and serrano ham, followed by slow-roasted mallards with wild rice. The next morning, Ms. Sassen flew off to a conference in Mexico City. “I like a good comfortable plane ride,” she said. Mr. Sennett stayed home. He wrote every morning, practiced his cello and caught up with friends. “I don’t really feel anymore that I’m moving from one culture to another, because I’ve made a set of friends in both places,” he said. “Over time those friends have crossed, so a lot of my friends in London have become friends with my friends in New York and vice versa. I guess that’s globalization, isn’t it? On a personal level.”

September 23, 2007 The New York Times
The Guilt of Having a Good Thing by Celia Barbour

Ready or Not?

After Jesus' death.. as usual, "I'm going out to fish." Simon Peter went out and got into the boat. However, that night he caught nothing until early in the morning. Jesus stood on the shore and called out to them, "Friends, haven't you any fish?" Again He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish. It was full of large fish. Nobody asked Him as they all knew it was the Lord. He appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead. While Jesus took the bread and gave it to them, He said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" three times. Peter said, "I love you." Then Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

Nowadays, I often think this phrase. I feel like I am Peter, who caught nothing without Jesus. I wonder where I have to throw my net. I think I love Jesus and am ready to follow Him wherever, but He hasn't told me concretely yet. I guess maybe I have to wait His guidance for a while or am not noticing it now? I don't know what I have to do after leaving school. Where should leave? I am doing something busily, however, I seem to be catching nothing. Helplessness.

Tensions

Almost a month ago, I had trouble with insomnia due to anxieties about assignments, meetings, presentations, and tests. Thankfully I can sleep now, but am suffering from a pain in the upper stomach and diarrhea. I miss porridge. Sometimes I imagine that I need a kind of wife for my housekeeping while I am studying. I feel like I am a kind of race horse in a racecourse. If I stop running in the track, I would die miserably. I am waiting for this coming winter break. I do need a serene rest. What a tough year.

Snow Storm in April

He knows me and loves me. So He sent me here in Ithaca since I really like snow.. yes, but it's going too much. I cannot believe this amazing weather. Today is April 16th!! He is my humorous father, I cannot help laughing today!

My cute friend, Faustina and I @April 16th, 2007

Snow Blow

Snow.. heavy at times. Additional snow accumulation of 6 to 12 inches. Cornell University will close effective 12:30 PM Wednesday, February 14, 2007. As you leave the campus this afternoon, please take extra precaution for pedestrians who may be walking in the roadway and allow extra time for a safe journey home.

- From Cornell University Emergency Notification -

At a visa interview in the American Embassy in Seoul, a Secretary of the Embassy smiled and said to me that he also went to Cornell University. "A heavy snow often falls in Ithaca", he added. Now I see what he said :)

Arts Quad in Cornell, February 14th, 2007

Ironies in a Day

I'm confused whether international organizations like the World Bank are needed or not. Although they have helped many countries, including Korea, to develop rapidly with huge loans, physical infrastructure project and engineering services, I've found from most third world, the Bank came under increasing criticism. From the mid-1980s on, the Bank's projects have caused large scale damages. By way of example, the Polonoroeste project in the northwest Amazon region was expected to result in a model case of integrated rural development, however, it turned out to be a disaster. Thousands of people died of malaria as there were not public health services.

Their mission statement is 'Our dream is a world without poverty'. Current development discourse, skeptical attitude towards the 'West' and the 'modernizing'.. is it really fit to the Third World? Often some people say our world became poorer than before because of the Bank's interference. Well then, what are alternative options to us? Actually I guessed the Bank would be a good place to work, however, it might be not. I am probably seduced by the size and the fame of the Bank. Today when I entered the Bank, I thought 'it is a weird building' since the Bank is the organization to help poor countries but it is too fascinating. One of host staffs was a black. I guess he's from Africa but he put on airs. Somewhat he looked ironical to me since he didn't seem to be comfortable in the building. (I'm not a racist!) 

During Winter Class in Washington DC

When I visit foreign cities, there are a few things to do such as going to the museums and galleries or seeing historical architectures. If I had hated doing those things, I might have been boring in the unfamiliar places. Fortunately, I like art! After the Sunday service, I went to the National Mall, and spent time to take a stroll around the Smithsonian Museums. I had a headache a little bit since I was concerned about some issues, however, I could cool off there. I think I've learned a life. He is teaching me to discriminate between what I can change and what I cannot change. I guess I am getting quite used to accepting what I cannot do. Well, art makes me somewhat gentle although trials make me strong.

The Serenity Prayer

Written by Reinhold Niebuhr

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen

Another Journey

All papers and tests are done. But another heavy task is waiting for me. It's to look out for a summer internship chance. Now I seem to do a long-distance race and a sprint race in turn. Nowadays I feel like time is flying away.. so I hurry my steps. This Sunday I'm going to Sacramento where my three cousins' families live. I'll stay with them during Christmas holidays and again go to the east, Washington D.C. I'll serve homeless people and take a Cornell winter class; 'Environmental and Natural Resources Policy Processes' during January 3rd-13th. He leads me to and fro. I don't know where I'm going, well, I know the last destination is the kingdom of heaven.

Feel So Good

I'm sitting and studying at an individual study room of Mann Library. Snowflakes are fluttering in the wind. Now I'm listening to Avalon's album for Christmas. My first semester in Cornell is almost finished. Somehow.. I feel so good. To tell the truth, I can't concentrate on study now. I'm quite distracted like a puppy, since I'm very fond of this snowing day! :)